"Inner Vertigo"

Lochlyn asked me to post, and I don't think I've really got much to say. This might seem weird, so bear with me. Probably, you'll all think either I'm completely odd, or worry that there's something wrong, but I don't think it's too big of a deal, myself.

Maybe you've never had this, but once in a long while, I'll have a bit of what I call "inner vertigo". Actually I'm having it right now, thus the post. Don't know what causes it, or what makes it stop, though I think fatigue or stress might be related. I don't usually find it alarming and just try to enjoy it, since it's kind of relaxing.

The best way to describe it is like this : in the middle of whatever I'm doing, I'll suddenly feel light-headed and slightly disoriented, like I had just spun in one of those Twister fair rides. I'll feel dizzy, but not enough to really impair my mobility. I move slowly whenever this happens though, just in case. When I close my eyes, the feeling that the world's spinning intensifies, which makes this kind of annoying if I'm trying to sleep.

Anyway, like I said, it's not that big a deal, and kind of fun . . . also like I said, it doesn't happen very often at all, and doesn't usually last for more than an hour or so. So don't freak out, friends and family.


*shrug*

Don't even know why I'm writing this, actually. Maybe to see if anyone else has ever had "inner vertigo", or if I'm just special . . .

Don't Laugh . . .

Okay, this was written over a period of months, whenever I found myself in a suitable mindframe. Usually at work, bored out of my mind, and full of thoughts that needed an outlet.

Don't know exactly why I'm posting this . . . I absolutely hate talking about myself, but I'm kind of proud of this poem. I'm calling it poetry, even though it follows no rhyme. It's the closest I think I'll ever get to writing lyrics or beautiful verse. * Shrug * Wasn't ever much good at writing anyway, but here it is.


Don't laugh!


"How these words, this pen, these lips, fail me. For I
Cannot find words to
Describe the Indescribable. I cannot write,
Or say, or illustrate or sing.
I draw no comfort from my efforts, nor courage from my
Heavily veiled attempts.

"That which humbles even the greatest of men has humbled me :
Fear of the Unknown.
Or perhaps it is Fear of Loss, its sister. In either case I should be the
Coward. But now, perhaps,
You may guess at the substance
From which my heavy sighs are wrought. And if so,
You may suddenly find the past rewritten, with new
Insights, emphasis placed on
Different words. Perhaps
You may become suspicious of motive.

"Though it may be more difficult to
Trust, please believe that I care for
You above all others, and my only concern has ever been
Your welfare. To this end I have
Hidden myself, hidden beind a Friendship
True.

"And by these actions I have
Doomed myself to a prison of my own making;
Were the heavens to rain blood and fire this night,
And all manner of destruction to befall me,
Yet still count me
A Friend and I would gladly bear them all.
But should any ill befall that trust, and all the
Goodness and blessing in the world
Would not console me.

"Thusly do I live each day in
Silent torture, wishing for a life
I cannot have. And thusly do I
Choose to live, for the alternative
May prove far worse."



Anyway, that's it. Don't know if it means anything special to anyone else, but it was good for me to get out on paper. I'll mark any further mind drool with a warning in the title, in case you want to skip my horrible attempts at poetry. ;)