Added a Few Minutes After . . .

I'm really really having a hard time leaving the previous post the way it is. It'd be sooo easy to change and/or delete that one before anyone reads it . . . but I want to keep things the way they are once they're published. So, for better or worse, guess it's staying. Again, sorry to everyone for the melodramatic way things turned out. I had no idea when I started, honest!

Don't Know Where This is Headed . . .

I told myself I'd never end up doing this, but for some time I've been feeling like posting poetry that is not my own. It's actually lyrics from a song by Chevelle called The Red. Like I said, I didn't want to do this, mostly because if a stranger wanders into my page, I want to reassure them that the writings on this page are my own . . . but I suppose now that's not completely true.

*shrug*

Oh well, it's my post. Guess I'll do whatever the heck I want with it. Here it is:

The Red

They say freak

When you're singled out

The red, well it filters through

So lay down, the threat is real

When his sight goes red again

Seeing red again, Seeing red again

This change

He won't contain

Slip away, to clear your mind

When asked

Who made it show

The truth, he gives in to most

So lay down, the threat is real

When his sight goes red again

Seeing red again, Seeing red again.

Anyways, that's it. For reasons even I don't fully understand, it's one of my very favourite songs. I suppose I can relate to it, and ever since I first heard it, I pictured more than just an anger management issue (see the music video, if you can track it down). I've always pictured this song being about the Columbine shootings, although I don't know if that's what the band had in mind when they wrote it or not.

I guess this song reminds me of my early Elementary school days, before Grade Five. To say I was an angry youngster would be putting it mildly. But I didn't just start out that way, of course. I had moved to High Prairie in Grade Two, and was still under the innocent perception that the world was a good place, full of nothing but good people.

Before I go further, I suppose I should explain something for any strangers reading this. I have a cleft lip, and during my childhood (before I received corrective surgeries) this left my nose deformed and a very noticeable scar perforated my upper lip.

When I had lived in Edmonton, my teachers had gone to great lengths to ensure I fit in as easily as possible. They introduced me to the classes and explained in easy terms why I looked different. The teachers there realized that children can single out a single physical flaw and be merciless in their ridicule of it. This understanding was sadly lacking in High Prairie. I very quickly learned that children can be incredibly cruel. Even the kids you would assume would be above such things, the "good kids", would join in and make an outsider's life hell.

Within a year, I had learned that I was not a welcome addition to the class that had been together since Preschool. I learned that because I was a pudgy child, and my cleft lip singled me out, I was the easiest source of fun for all the bullies, and other children learned that it was far easier to ridicule me than to simply ignore all of this (or put a stop to it). I became very bitter and angry, not just at those who made fun of me, but at everything and everyone. The person I blamed the most though, was myself.

By the time I was in Grade Four, I already had so much hatred built up towards everyone in my class that I would come home and play with my action figures, pretending that Casey Jones or the G.I. Joes were the people who'd been mean to me lately. Grinding them into the dirt, dropping heavy objects on them, and throwing them up against the wall of the house was about all I could do for destructiveness, but I started to wish I could do something to the people themselves.

Actually, my rage became so focused on the kids in my class that I couldn't even tell who my real enemies were anymore. I ended up directing my impotent anger on every kid in class, whether it was justified or not. At the time, I just wished I could either hurt them, or have it all end. I never truly entertained thoughts of mass-killing (and Columbine was still years away, remember), but I think that I was saved from that path.

The thing that saved me from doing things I could never undo? It seems rather trite to say it, but it was a single act of kindness that became a friendship. All it took to break the cycle was one student who was separate from the mass cruelty that was my grade. She moved to High Prairie from another town, and didn't know (or perhaps just didn't care) that I was the social outcast. She befriended me, and I was so used to being ostracized by everyone around me that I clung to her kindness; I was terrified to let go, lest it disappear like the dream I believed it to be.

But no, I found we had quite a bit in common, for being in Grade Four. Through Grade Five, we developed our friendship, and I found that a good deal of my anger had dissipated. I still suffer from insecurity relating to my childhood, and I find it particularly difficult to keep a positive self-image, but the intense anger and helpless rage I once had was almost completely gone. It is for this reason that I still attribute my current place in life to this friend. Whether she realized it or not (before now), I have always truly felt like she saved my life. Who knows what might have been, if not for kindness?

I didn't know where my rambling would lead when I started this.

. . . So, I suppose I come around to it now. Thank you, Blue. And I could never say it enough; "Thank you!" Although I'm sure you never realized the extent of things, you really have made an incredible difference in my life. I had hoped to get around to telling you this story in person, but things just kind of poured out tonight. *sorry! ^_^*

Public Service? Not for me . . .

So, when somebody asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" what did you say? Originally, I would say "A paleontologist!" But when I hit Grade 11 I suddenly wasn't so sure. That was an awful lot of study and hard work, and what if I discovered afterwards that it really wasn't what I wanted to do with my life? Thusly, since Grade 11, I have been essentially directionless.

I would like be employed in a way that benefits society. Lifelong gas station jockeys and burger-flippers, my hats off to you (though I don't usually even wear one hat, let alone multiples), because I could never do that for so long. So, a job that helps people . . . that should be easy, right? Except I can't stomach people in pain, and due to a meningitis scare in elementary school, needles present issues of epic proportions to me. So, pretty much anything in the medical world is a non-option. Bummer.

Firefighting. A very noble profession, and definitely a job which helps others. Apart from the very real dangers and the highly physical nature of this job, I can't really offer any reason that I could not perform it. However, for whatever reason, it really does not appeal to me right now. So, for no good reason I can find, firefighting is off my list.

But wait, there're plenty of other jobs that help people! Become a police officer, right? Wrong. I could handle nearly every aspect of that line of work, but unfortunately, police need to 1) protect and uphold the law and 2) remain calm and impartial in the midst of a crime investigation

I didn't pull those "rules" from anywhere in particular, it's just how I've always pictured police (by the way, the first one is most definitely a tribute to Robocop). The first rule I'd have no problem with. It's against the law, don't do it. You do it, you suffer the consequences. Pretty cut-and-dried to me. The second would get myself arrested, and very quickly. All it would take would be my first child victim or abuse of trust crime (I think you know what I'm referring to here) and I wouldn't be following the first or second rules anymore. I'd be loading my standard issue, packing a metal Louisville slugger, and getting no sleep at night. I'd be dispatching real justice to the wretches that deserve it.

So . . . police service is definitely out. After all, even though I think having police-certified vigilantes (read: bounty hunters) available to deal with repeat offenders (and particularly horrific first-time offenders) is a good thing, I can't say that the justice system we have right now can condone it in any way. *shrug* I think it's a pretty good idea, but the law can't differentiate between vigilante justice and murder, so . . .

I can't really think of any other jobs that really help benefit society directly, and this post was kind of started by the whole police vs. vigilantism thing, so I guess I'll end here. I'm still considering the Armed Forces because, even though I know it can be used to harm society, I think it has incredible potential to help as well. We'll see . . . maybe I'll enter the Service and be helping out in some natural disaster zone next year. Who knows?

A Quick Update from the Madhouse

Hm. The past while has been harder to keep up with regular posting. My apologies to whoever my readers are (I know I have at least a couple, so sorry :) I'll try to keep this as updated as I can, but my hours at work have been scaled down considerably, and when I'm bored and thoughtful at work, that's when I feel the need to post. So at any rate, I'll try to post every so often, but I can't promise much.

Updates from the life of me:

- Life has calmed down some in the recent days. Things were pretty crazy for awhile with work, either too many shifts or not enough. YC '06 was an incredible experience, as always. 11 consecutive years, and I'm thinking I might catch the next one too. Getting kind of old, but I might squeeze one more year out of it ;) The reason for the stress recently was due to my organizing a group of about 40 to attend. Things before YC were insane (I hold title as the Official Albertan King of Procrastination . . . Yes, OAK-P, that's me), but I finally got there, and things eased up a bit when we got there.

- Lost my voice completely by 5:00 pm on Sunday, which comforted me a bit. I was getting worried that I wasn't gonna make it, since losing one's voice at YC is a tradition dating back to the days of yore (back when you could actually number the people at YC, if you took all weekend and had nothing better to do). But as it turned out, yelling instructions over a group of 30 youth and their supervisors, over the craziness of 16,000+ in Rexall Place multiple times proved sufficient to get the voice gone. So my voice is still slowly repairing itself, which is good. I was getting frustrated with sounding like a fourteen year old again.

- And it's official: I'm moving. As are my brother and cousins. Yes, we're packing up and making the perilous trip with all our earthly belongings to a destination 3 doors down from where we're currently at. Yeah, big whoop. The place is pretty much the same as the 1/2 duplex we're in right now, only it's got a patio deck, a carport, a finished basement, wood laminate flooring, and is generally nicer to look at and live in than our current abode. The room layout is far more convenient as well. Bigger living room, bigger dining area (but a slightly smaller kitchen area), carpet and walls in the basement (which makes for a far more comfortable atmosphere), and there's a nice area in the backyard that seems destined to become a firepit. Exxxxxcellent!

- As I've mentioned, the hours at work have been axed quite a bit, which is frustrating. I'm already not making as much from my second part-time job, which I'll be ending alongabouts the end of July anyway, and now this :^( As much as I hate to admit it, I might have to move on and get a different job. Really don't want to, because as cliche as it may seem, I really will miss the people I work with. Also, it's comforting to know your way around work, and I've always hated that 1-2 month period where you're walking on eggshells, trying to remember everything (and everyone's name).

- Also, I'm considering ditching High Prairie altogether. Where would I go, and what would I do? The Shadow knows! . . . .Yeah, whatever. Might move to Prince Rupert with my parents, might move to Edmonton and do whatever. Been considering the Canadian Armed Forces, or maybe teaching English overseas . . . The list is endless, but I may be faced with the decision sooner than I expect, since I'm rooming with my bro right now. He's looking at getting married around October or November, and I'm not really into renting by myself in High Prairie, so . . . Who knows? If anyone knows how to get ahold of The Shadow, let me know. I'll ask him.

- And of course, the most important thing right now: The Edmonton Oilers are going to win the Stanley Cup! Yes, the Holy Grail of hockey will soon be residing in the City of Champions once again. What's that? Speaking prematurely??? I would slap some sense into you, if I could be so bold. They're up against Carolina . . . and the last time I checked, Carolina didn't rank on my list of the Capitals of Hockey. In fact, if I had to peg anyone as not being a Hockey Mecca, it'd be Carolina. (Sorry to any Carolina fans . . . actually, do any exist north of the border? *shrug*) Plus, I knew from the moment they killed the Sharks that the Oil was going all the way. Nope, you won't find any stanleybutterfinger-calgaritis when it comes to Edmonton.

And that's a quick update from my world. Feel free to drop comments, since on this page, they'll actually get read.