Life as a Dim-witted Genius: Part One

So I was walking home from work the other morning, not paying much attention to my surroundings. I was musing over the quirks of worldly justice; drunks who beat a person to death can make bail shortly after, but an evil genius whose world domination plans are foiled may be doomed to multiple life sentences in prison. Is taking over the world really that bad? Wouldn't it be easier on people, not to have to vote for their politicians, who don't listen to them anyways?

So engrossed in this train of thought was I that I failed to notice the shadows which followed me, until it was nearly too late. Only my keen Anti-Ninja sense helped me avoid a gruesome beheading as the shadows solidified and attacked me. Ninjas, sent from my evil arch-rival, no doubt! I dodged and weaved, avoiding their strikes as deftly as possible, for I found myself unarmed and at a serious disadvantage.

The assassins moved impossibly fast, even by Ninja standards. Their garb was black from head to toe, and no physical traits could be noticed. They also seemed to be able to use their feet as dextrously as their hands in combat. Then I spied the awful truth. As I delivered a mighty back kick to one of the assailants, he tumbled backwards and a long, thin and furry tail protruded from his lower back.

Ninja Monkeys! My nemesis had spared no expense in hiring these denizens. The anti-matter grenade I had left in his lunchbox must have really pissed him off . . . Then, as all hope seemed to be lost and the Ninja Monkey leader closed to deliver the finishing blow, I remembered the one weakness of these furry warriors : Ukelele Polkas.

I quickly unstrung my Ukelele (I practice during slow shifts at the hotel) and began a spirited Polka called "The Squidging Helga" (believe me, you don't want to know how the name was picked). Suddenly, the Ninja squad began to dance, Bavarian style, and I was able to slip away and plot my revenge. Perhaps it is time for me to unleash my army of Killer Penguins . . .